1995 06 Loaded Peter Hook

(Despite being titled on cover as "New Order", this is really only Peter Hook from the band)

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THIS ROCK GOD MARRIES THIS OLD LADY?

A strange and wonderful tale of comedy, nuns, New Order and good old fashioned romance. We give you Mr and Mrs Peter Hook...

story by Jon 'Derek Batey' Wilde

Half an hour after interrogating top married couple Peter and Caroline Hook about the ins and outs of their rampant sex life, I'm safely ensconced in my hotel room attempting to locate the Swedish pom channel on the goggle-box, when the telephone rings. Someone purporting to be a loaded employee is on the line, eager to find out how the interview had gone. It all sounds innocent enough. How was Caroline? Friendly enough but a touch on the tentative side. A bit dull? Not dull exactly. But inclined to keep her cards too close to her ample chest. Did I find her attractive? Well, put it this way, I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating Chocolate Hobnobs, if you catch my drift. And Hooky? Well, Hooky turned out to be his normal, candid, rude, outspoken self. A bit of a filthy fucker all in all.

At this revealing juncture, there's an hysterical giggle on the end of the line which belongs, unmistakably, to one Caroline Hook. Realising in an instant that I've been the victim of a devilish stitch-up. I slam down the phone and retreat into a damp corner marked “profound embarrassment” where I remain until the sparrow farts.

Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley. Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson. The highly fanciable Lady Sarah Armstrong-Jones and some posh twat in jodhpurs. You can take the lot of them and
shove ’em straight up your hairy arse. Without question, the champion marriage of the last 12 months was that between New Order's Peter Hook and top comedienne Caroline Aherne.

A decidedly odd couple. Hooky: brooding bassman with Joy Division and latterly New Order/Revenge; Mrs Merton's all-leather musical back-up bloke: all-round ladies man and bona fide Viking sex god.

Mrs Hooky: wholesome Catholic lass; pillar of the Manchester show-biz aristocracy; alleged owner of the finest pair of hooters in the whole north west: best known for her comic personas which include Sister Mary Immaculate (daft nun) and Mrs Merton (OAP chat show hostess).

Who better then to offer us all a guided tour through the treacherous minefield of sex and marriage? Which is precisely what they do while grubbing it up to the hilt in a top pizza establishment somewhere in the middle of their native Manchester.

Love At First Sight

Mrs Hooky: "I fancied Hooky the second I laid eyes on him. I thought he was definitely a bit of all right. Very sexy. I was aware of this rock-n roll Viking image he had and I suppose that's what turned me on. That and the vast amounts of money he was reckoned to have. We met in this club and, within five minutes, he asked me for my phone number. But I wouldn't give it to him. It wasn't that I was playing hard to get. I just didn’t trust him. He didn't look like the steady type. Anyway, he got hold of my number and pursued me relentlessly. But people kept warning me off. They'd say, 'You don't want to go out with Hooky. He's a bit dodgy.’ I found that quite appealing.”

Hooky: “Actually, I think Caroline was a bit put off by the whole Viking thing. I suppose my reputation goes before me. People tend to keep their distance because they've read that I’m a nasty hit of work, or whatever, and they think that I'm going to slap them around if they step slightly out of line. But the whole Viking thing is a bit of a media creation. I don't walk around with a helmet and an axe, with a buxom wench slung over each shoulder. That's all bollocks, I might play on that image a bit and use it as a kind of protection thing. But, underneath it all. I'm just a pussycat.”

Good In The Sack?

Mrs Hooky: "Put it this way. Hooky’s never disappointed me in that respect. He’s the raunchy type. But I wouldn’t say he's kinky. Except when he gets me to dress up as Mrs Merton and dangle from the chandeliers. He finds that quite sexy. I find it hard to believe, though, that Mrs Merton is a sex symbol. It’s difficult to imagine men watching the show with their trousers round their ankles. If there's blokes out there with their trousers down, they’re more likely to be waiting for a glimpse of Hooky in his leathers. Mind you, it does confuse the oldies when Hooky snogs me on set. That really gets them going.”

Hooky: “Actually, it never crosses my mind that I’m making love to Mrs Merton. Pensioners aren’t really my thing. Not the kind of thing I’m likely to fantasize about. 1 think it’s important to keep the two things separate. It's only other people who get Caroline mixed up with her comic characters. When I started going out with her and I told my mother, she was convinced that I was seeing this 60-year-old woman. It was ages before I could convince her that Mrs Merton is just a persona.

“It’s the same thing with Sister Mary Immaculate. Nuns have never done much for me sexually. I know they do wonders for some blokes. But I’m pretty normal sexually. Much has been made in the press of my supposed fascination with S&M. But I’m not obsessed like you, Wilde. Hanging round those seedy clubs, watching couples fist-fucking and Italian tourists being gang-banged. I mean, I go to those places and I’m a bit of a voyeur. But I find it all a bit shocking to be honest with you.”

The Honeymoon

Mrs Hooky: “Wedding at the Elvis Presley Memorial Chapel in Las Vegas. Honeymoon in Acapulco. He does things in style does Hooky. The wedding night was a bit difficult because we couldn’t get rid of Hooky’s tour manager who’d come along for the ride. He was still there at two in the morning, which made consummation a bit awkward. We had to throw him out eventually. Then it happened. Being a good Catholic girl. I’d kept myself pure, needless to say. I went to a convent. I was very chaste before I met Hooky. But it was well worth the wait. Did the earth move? Well, let’s just say that it caused a few ripples on the Richter Scale. Yes, very pleasant.”

Monogamy

Mrs Hooky: “Do I keep him on a tight leash? Oooh, we don’t go in for leashes. That’s more your department, isn’t it Jon? No, I think monogamy is a good thing in general. We’re both quite old-fashioned in that respect. Since I met Hooky, I haven’t been tempted by anyone else, not for a moment. Hooky has everything I need, including a 12 inch willy. That does swing it a bit. Or swing on it, as the case may be. What are my views on the ‘does size matter’ question? Well, obviously it’s a bonus if a bloke has a big one. But, generally, I don’t think it really matters. Mind you. I’ve never had a small one. They’ve all been bloody huge. Not as big as Hooky’s mind. Twelve inches when flaccid? Is that the rumour? I wouldn’t know. I’ve never seen it flaccid.”

Hooky: “There’s been a lot of talk about the size of my wedding tackle. If I admit to having a 12 inch dick, I’m only saying that so I don’t make people like you feel hopelessly inadequate. If anything, 1
play it down. It’s actually 16 inches long. In fact, It’s rubbing against my knee as I speak. Not as big as some though. From what I can gather about Jim Kerr of Simple Minds, he’s got it wrapped around his ankle. Twice. I might be enormous but I can’t hope to compete with that.”

Wife Swapping

Mrs Hooky: “We’ve only been married seven months. It’s a bit premature to be contemplating that kind of thing. But I have to admit it doesn’t hold much appeal, the idea of Hooky heading upstairs with the girl from the chip shop, while I’m left with the pot-bellied bank manager. No, I think it’s fair to say that wife-swapping is not something we’ll be experimenting with. Not in the near future.”

Masturbation

Mrs Hooky: “Does Mrs Merton wank? You cheeky bugger! I thought you were going to ask us about furniture and interior design. I didn’t expect a full-scale sexual survey, I didn’t expect to be asked about Mrs Merton’s masturbation habits. In the north west, we’re a lot more reticent about wanking. Not like you Southerners, sitting around in pubs boasting about how often you do it. I’d die of embarrassment. I'm a bit shy in that particular area.”

Hooky: “I must admit I’ve never been a big fan of masturbation. I’ve certainly never set any world records in my time. At the risk of seeming boastful, I’ve never had much need for wanking. There were always other options on hand. So to speak.”

Bad Habits

Mrs Hooky: “There’s only a few things about Hooky that cause me annoyance. He eats prawn crackers really loudly. That gets on my nerves. He’s also got an irritating habit of wrapping up every morsel of food in a freezer bag and storing it in the fridge. I can't believe that a rock star can be so fussy about wasting food. His farting doesn’t bother me though. He occasionally lets go with a sly, playful one and I take it in my stride. 1 was a bit taken aback by the first one though. He kept it
stifled for months before letting np. Then, when it did burst through the barricades, it was just a nice, quiet, inoffensive one. Nothing to write home about and nothing to get worked up about. It didn’t hang around and make a fuss. So I couldn’t be offended. In fact, 1 took it as a compliment. It showed that he was completely comfortable with me.

“Do I respond in kind. Well, we don’t have fartmg competitions or anything. No, I just don’t do it. 1 don’t even have a hole in my bum. That’s one of the reasons Hooky married me. Even if 1 did have a bumhole, I would no more break wind in front of Hooky than go to the toilet in front of the Queen Mother. I’m just too ladylike for that.”

Hooky: “I don’t see anything wrong with farting in front of your partner. It’s completely natural as far as I’m concerned. Are you trying to tell me that you’ve never farted in front of your wife? See, 1 don’t understand that. You’re into all this heavy S&M stuff and you won’t backfire if a girl’s around. That seems like a big contradiction. Bit hung up in the toilet area, are you? If so, you should avoid Bernard (Sumner) at all costs. He loves to fart does Bernard. Any time and any place. Especially on New Order tours. We’d be halfway through one of those Roman orgies you’ve read all about and there’d be Bernard, parping away like a good ’un. One of his many talents.”

Famous Friends

Mrs Hooky: “People might assume that we hang out with all the top celebrities but that’s not the case. However, we are very friendly with the comedian John Thompson. He’s got a massive collection of mucky films has John. There was one time when he was telling me that he had this film which featured a young lady peeing into a gentleman’s mouth. He brought it round and stuck it in the video. We were speechless. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. I had no idea people got up to that type of thing. I had to hide behind the sofa. No, I haven’t tried it out for myself, you saucy monkey. They’s something wrong with you. I think you need treatment.”

7,800 Times In An Afternoon

Hooky: “Let’s get this straight. You’ve sat down with a calculator and worked out that, if we’re married for another 50 years, we’ll have it off another 7,800 times. I think you’re severely underestimating how prolific we are in the bedroom department. 7,800 times? We’ve passed that
already and we’ve only been hitched a few months. 7,800 times? We could manage that in a single afternoon. Maybe with a bit of the evening thrown in and half-an-hour off for a sandwich.

“See, there’s a lot of bollocks talked about sex within marriage. As soon as you’re married, it’s meant to stop being fun and become this terrible duty. It’s not true at all. In my experience, the better you get to know someone, the better the sex becomes. It’s certainly been true in our case. When it gets down to twice a week, you’ll be the first to hear about it. But I can’t see that happening. Not within the next 50 years, anyroad. I’m 39 now but I’ve never had problems with wilting. At my age, you’re
meant to go off sex a bit and prefer to settle down with a good book. But I’ve never read a book that good.”

Mrs Hooky: “Another 7,800 times with Hooky? I wouldn’t say no. That’s a lovely thought. I could go with that. In fact, the thought of it makes me come over all unnecessary. By the way, have you noticed that we’ve cleared out the restaurant with all this dirty talk?”

Wedge

Hooky: “How much money have I got? That’s a bit personal, isn’t it? Fucking hell! You don’t know when to stop do you? Let’s just say that I’m £1,200 overdrawn in my current account. Apart from that. I’m quite comfortably off. But I’m not in a position where I could retire tomorrow and put my feet up for the rest of my life. Unfortunately. I’d love to do that because I’m such a lazy bastard. People see you on Top Of The Pops and automatically assume that you’re worth a packet. That might be true in some cases, but not if you’ve been on Factory Records for 10 years.”

Mrs Hooky: “When I first met Hooky, I thought he must be the wealthiest man in England. He had luxury shagpile carpets and a jacuzzi in his house. He had all these paintings by famous people. He had a personalised registration plate on his car. I wasn’t used to all that. I assumed he must be minted. I even told my mum she could give up work tomorrow. When I told people I was marrying Hooky, they were like, ‘Is it love or wallet?’ It was a bit of both actually. However, it turned out that he wasn’t half as rich as I thought he was. However, his extraordinary large penis is ample compensation.

The Last Bit

Mrs Hooky: “I suppose we are a bit of an odd couple when you think about it. I’m a bit of a barmpot and Hooky’s a bit of a sex god. It’s a peculiar mix, but it seems to work fine. By the way, can you just write that I refused to comment of the subject of sex altogether? My mum’s not a loaded subscriber, but someone might pass a copy on to her. If she reads any dirty talk from me, I’m for the high jump.”

Hooky: “I think you’ve got us here on false pretences. You’re far too perverted for our tastes. James Brown! loaded editor! What have you gotten us into? I’ll wring your fucking neck when I get hold of you!”