Stockholm Monsters "Alma Mater" Review

DAY JOBS FOR MONSTERS!

THE STOCKHOLM MONSTERS

Alma Mater (Factory)

IT HAS been a Factory tradition for a long time to leave the names of the players off the record jackets. Perhaps with bands such as Joy Division or New Order this was an admirable step towards the exorcism of ego. In the case of The Stockholm Monsters, the tradition serves another purpose. It may save a few private lives from eternal embarrassment.

After several forced plays, hours of positive thinking, a couple of cold baths and even alcohol, this LP still seems to me to be close to the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

I've been curious about this for ages, thinking occasionally over the years about what the 'close to the worst thing I’ll ever hear’ might sound like. Well, to begin, each three minute song starts to wind with a long and meaningless introduction where the timid plucking of an acoustic guitar, a lustreless bass in serious need of a tuner and a childish synth melody are towed mercilessly along by a dying Roland  Drumatix Drum Computer aching for a programmer who has read beyond page three of the owner’s manual.

After about a minute the man who is singing enters the picture with drunken grace and a monotone warble which inevitably cracks upon the insistence of a rising note, should there be one. What’s worse, however, are the words being sung: ‘Decalogue’, simply a foolish lament, drops this pearl of wisdom, “remember when you were young/but now the years have made you older. ”

‘Five O’Clock' puts our favourite hour into metaphysical perspective, “They say tomorrow’s ended we found a place to stay/ where moments last forever and never go away.” ‘Life’s Two Faces’ has a more hopeful beginning because things seem to be in tune until the event of some alarming advice, “Don’t look down, you'll see the ground!"

This particular ballad ventures at least to change key about three times until it contorts and becomes ‘Your Uniform’ which is about more bad relationships. Neither the musical progression nor the realtionship go anywhere, but at least this is a great example of symmetry. In fact, in terms of symmetry and overall consistency, this record is faultless. So Monsters, you can take up day jobs and even keep your names. 

- Steph Paynes