1994 12 24 R.E.M. NME

GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLE REM

• Ho, ho, ho! It’s the end of the world as he nose it! Well, would you care to ask MICHAEL STIPE to dress up as one of Santa’s reindeer and stick on a foam rubber Rudolph nose? Would you ask him about the size of his penis? How his teeth are? No, neither would we, so we sent JOHNNY DEE to Atlanta to ask him for us. Nose pics: STEVE DOUBLE

Three months ago a feature in The Sunday Times carried the strapline: “The camera-shy leader of America’s hippest rock band gives a rare interview.” That camera-shy leader was Michael Stipe. Before he got into wearing foam antlers... foam antlers, a comedy red nose and a Santa suit!

Hang on, hang on. What’s going on? This is Michael Stipe, right? The coolest man in the coolest rock band in the world. The biggest rock band in the world. The best rock band in the world. And he’s wearing foam antlers.

The NME photographer is rifling through rolls of film, slamming another cartridge into the back of his camera, quick, quick, QUICK! Any minute now he’s going to throw the antlers to the floor, walk out, realising it was all a terrible mistake. Right?

Wrong. This is Michael Stipe’s idea. He insisted on the nose.

REM are famous not because of the huge marketing machine that surrounds them, ploughing its way into new, uncharted waters. They are famous because they have never let us down. You could fill a C90 full of great REM songs and never go near one of their singles. You can go back to their early albums, ‘Murmur’ and ‘Reckoning’ and ‘Fables Of The Reconstruction' and still find songs that sound thrilling and unique.

Everyone knows who REM are and what they sound like. And everyone knows who Michael Stipe is; his pop fame can only be matched by a handful of stars - Madonna, Michael Jackson, Prince, Bono. And who out of that happy bunch would be seen dead in a Santa suit?

Maybe Bono. Like Stipe, his fame is so huge, his self-confidence so colossal that all there’s left to do with his fame is f— around with it, f— with our perceptions of who we think he is.

Maybe Stipe’s being contrary. Hell, maybe he’s just feeling Christmassy. It happens.

Whatever his motives, the feeling that we have pulled off some kind of heist is incredible. Incredible and strange. We are in a photo studio, in Atlanta, GA - 60 miles from Athens - and we have found Santa. A bald Santa with one thumbnail painted black and a goatee beard.

SANTA MOOCHES around the studio, eating yoghurt, talking in baffling, mumbling spurts. He strikes up a conversation of sorts with Steve Double about photography (his hobby) and Stipe’s specialist field.

“Landscapes,” he tells him, then 60 seconds - “landscapes with people in them,” another pause and then, “I’m really good”.

Not exactly a bashful reindeer, Michael Stipe is strange, even without the antlers. Predicting what he's about to say is impossible. He’ll answer flippant questions as if they were searingly important analyses and serious probes as if they were trifles. And he’s a terrific liar. He talks quietly except when he’s on the phone where he will bark “HI! IT’S MICHAEL STIPE!” into answer machines before reverting to his customary mumble. His voice is soft, his Southern burr strong and when he talks he leaves inordinately long pregnant pauses. His manner, his enigma, makes everything he says, even a simple ‘no’ seem profound and occasionally hilarious. He sniggers a lot, usually at himself, kind of like a quiet Beavis. He doesn't fidget. If it’s possible to be intense and hyperactive in a relaxed kind of way then that’s what Michael Stipe is.

But he’s great company. Natalie Merchant of 10,000 Maniacs said of her friend earlier this year “When I’m an old woman, Michael will be among the people that I’ll wish I’d spent more time with." He sees the world through different eyes, lives in Michael Stipe World — a planet that revolves around ours but isn’t quite the same - the placemats have been moved, the furniture rearranged. He knows people think he’s eccentric; it bothers him but he does little to stop you walking away with any other impression than bemusement, albeit oddly entertaining bemusement.

After two hours the novelty of being Santa Claus has worn off and the air in the studio hangs heavy with the odour of the REM singer's Drum roll-up tobacco. So, we retire to the back step for Atlanta fresh air and to talk about Christmas.

What are the ingredients for a perfect Christmas?

“Nutmeg,” he replies. “Not cinnamon. I don't like cinnamon. I like nutmeg.”

Christmas doesn’t mean anything to him religiously, it’s a family time. The Stipe Household Christmas is a traditional American one - albeit cinnamon-free. On Christmas Eve, they dress the tree and sit back and look at the lights then chew the fat over old times; on Christmas Day, friends come over to eat. He has never spent one Christmas away from his folks and says he can remember nearly every present they’ve ever bought him.

“I can go back to when I was seven. I got a pair of corduroy hip-huggers with a wide belt. They were a present from my - ha! - from my dog. his name was Major, he was a boxer, he had a square head, he had a bump on top of his head, we lived in Germany at the time. And I also got one of those light box things that you put plastic into and you make pictures, this was the same Christmas. That meant a great deal to me at the time. I finally had a pair of hip-huggers."

The year he remembers most - his earliest memory - is when he was two years old and almost died from scarlet fever. He was photographed, on Christmas Day. at the height of the illness.

“I had this Christmas sweater that I was photographed in and I was hallucinating. I had this incredible fever and I had to wear this sweater and I remember the photographer asking me to smile and me not being able to fathom smiling. I also remember that stuff, angel hair, this white kind of spun glass, it’s used to decorate nativity scenes remember that stuff because you couldn't touch it."

What's the most inappropriate present you've ever received?

"A zebra foot lamp. It was kind of given as a gag, I think. It was really deeply horrible, it was the leg of a zebra, a real leg. This is like 1980, a friend of mine gave it to me."

And what’s the most inappropriate you've given?

"Nothing. That's my answer I prefer receiving them. I tend to buy things for people whenever I see them, so I give people things throughout the year. Christmas I get even."

Would you make a good Santa?

"Yeah, I'm tolerant. I felt like a Santa in a mall today."

A-ha. Michael Stipe is kind of sick of interviews, he's all dried up, the promotional chores for 'Monster' have indeed been monstrous. So we decide that instead of doing the regular "What's 'Bang And Blame' about? Do you miss Kurt"- style fare, we'd have some fun, play some Christmas games. Michael is cool about it - “I’ve only done one fun interview this year" - but a little worried.

“I’m not very funny, I’m not very good at subtext," he warns sincerely.

Fair enough, the first attempt at levity falls on barren ground. He is asked to imagine he’s stuck on Christmas Island for a week and all he can take with him is one video, one book, one record, one set of clothes.

“Do I get to take a toothbrush?” he asks, concerned. “I do? Well that’s all I’d take. I can’t think of any books or videos. I’m sorry. Oh, I'd need some zip-lock bags so that everything didn’t get sand in it. And some food. And a short wave radio. That would be cool. That’s it.”

MICHAEL STIPE is Santa in a mall in Athens, Georgia. A queue of stars are waiting to sit on his lap and receive their Christmas presents. What does he give them?

“Oh boy.”

Here’s Courtney Love, what do you give her?

“Huh-huh. I was just trying to think of that last night. I’d like to give her some great book that she hasn’t read. But she’s probably read every book that’s ever been written.”

Morrissey?

“A stocking cap, how about that? A nice stocking cap.”

Madonna?

“A pizza.”

Macauley Culkin?

“A new mum and dad.”

Bill Berry?

“A big photograph with people in it.”

JD Salinger?

“A greyhound bus ticket. To anywhere. It wouldn’t be a round trip.”

Peter Buck?

“A big velvet bedspread.”

Mike Mills?

“A big velvet bedspread.”

THE SANTA suit dispensed with, Michael Stipe is wearing winter layers — a fake fur coat over an Adidas jacket, a Levi’s ski hat - but it’s cold out so we decide to drive into Atlanta. It’s an hour-long drive from the studio to the Hotel Nikko, downtown, and Stipe spends the entire journey on his mobile phone, picking up messages and returning calls.

He calls the REM office in Athens, where someone’s just adopted a kid, he calls someone in England with an 0385 code and murmurs something about “hooking up soon” and he phones someone who he tells, “the album’s really great”.

An REM employee from the Athens office is driving Michael’s Volvo Estate for the day, he sits in the passenger seat and, at every stop light, stares of recognition come at him from the cars beside us. They look first at his shining bald head, then a light goes on and they realise who it is. He knows people are gawking at him, he waves at the traffic imperiously without even looking. At a red light, an Oriental-looking woman in a Mustang smiles at him, he smiles back and then returns to his phonecall: “HI! IT’S MICHAEL STIPE! Mumble murmur mumble...”

The British press officer tells us we are staying at the Hotel Nikko in Atlanta because Michael Stipe likes the building. His assistant in Athens tells us it's because he likes the hotel bar. It’s not until we arrive there that we discover the real reason why we are staying in the Olympic city’s most expensive, most chichi hotel. He likes the pianist in the bar. And look there he is, pitter-pattering across the keys, the perfect schmaltzy soundtrack to the clink of overpriced drinks and hotel chatter.

“The pizza’s real shitty though,” says Michael. He’s worried about his food. The reason he was getting antsy back at the photo studio, he says, is because he has low blood sugar and has to eat every three hours. He’s in need of coffee, sustenance.

“Hi, Nicole,” he says reading the nametag of an approaching waitress “I’m Michael. Could I get a coffee and could I have this burrito without the chicken, just cheese and onion? Thanks, Nicole..."

MICHAEL STIPE ANSWERS 49 STUPID QUESTIONS

HERE’S SOME stuff you will already know about Michael Stipe if you have read all of the 17 interviews REM have given to the British press this year: ‘Monster’ is a punk rock album; he doesn’t like reggae; he hates ‘Shiny Happy People’; ‘Let Me In’ is about Kurt Cobain - before he died, the pair were due to work together on a film soundtrack; he was shocked by the rumours that he had AIDS; he’s bisexual; he’s left-handed; he’s looking forward to REM touring next year for the first time in five years but recalls that it was like “two hours of fun interrupted by 22 hours of boredom"; he shaved his head because he wanted to see what it looked like; he thinks he’s not as smart as people think he is; he’s stopped signing autographs.

Nearly every one of the interviews was a good read. Buck, Berry and Mills, but particularly Stipe, always give good quote. But after 17 interviews in the British press, what do you ask the man? ‘How are your teeth?’ that’s what.

The original idea was to present Stipe with 49 questions hidden inside envelopes and have him randomly answer 20 in the Great Xmas NME Lotto Interview. In the end he answers all but two - he thinks for four minutes on who the coolest person on earth is before admitting to being stymied. And when he opens one envelope and holds up the question - ‘What does your answer machine message say?’ - he says: “That’s a breach of security.” But 47 out of 49 ain’t bad.

“This is fun. Fortune cookies.”

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MADONNA? 

“Huh-ha. I think she’s very talented, I like her new record a lot. I have a lot of respect for her as a woman and as a businesswoman and as a media figure. I think she’s done a really great job. I’m not a huge fan, I’ve never really listened to her records - that much I have to admit.”

HAVE YOU OR WOULD YOU EVER USE A DATING SERVICE?

“I have never and I don’t think I need to. I’m kind of a flirt. I believe in the theory that anyone can get laid, it’s just a matter of lowering your standards enough. I truly believe that.”

HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN INTO ANYWHERE?

“Yes. I can’t talk about it. My record is clean." (Years ago. Stipe told a journalist he'd broken into the Parthenon in Athens and got drunk on Greek wine inside it all night.)

WHAT NAME DO YOU USE WHEN YOU CHECK INTO A HOTEL?

“I used to use Humbert Humbert but I can’t use that anymore because people found out about it. I used to use Earl Grey, that was a friend of mine’s name, but I can’t use that anymore either. The last one I used was CF Cup. That was really bad, I’m not gonna use that again. They were asking me at nine o’clock in the morning and I had a coffee cup in my hand and so I said ‘CF Cup’. Nobody could remember my fake name, so I couldn’t get any messages.”

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU WANT TO IMPRESS SOMEONE?

“I keep my mouth shut.”

WHAT WILL BE YOUR LAST WORDS?

“I think I’ll probably just grunt, that’ll be it. I was in a car wreck once, when I was 18, that’s how I got the scar on my forehead and I remember that time slowed down to nothing and I said, ‘Oh shit,’ but it took, like, ten minutes for me to say it, and my voice was slowed down like in the movies to, like, ‘Oooooooooooohhh shhhiiiiiiiiitttttt’.”

WHO IS THE BEST-LOOKING AMERICAN PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME?

“To my knowledge I would have to say Jimmy Carter. Because he’s from Georgia. Presidents aren’t real good at looks.’’

HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN ECSTASY?

“X? E? I used to take MDMA. I think that’s a close relative. Brown MDMA with heroin, strong stuff.”

WHEN AND WHERE DID YOU LAST HAVE A FIGHT?

“Probably in the studio. In the studio we broke up the band.”

WHAT'S THE WORST REM SONG?

“I can’t stand ‘Catapult’ and ‘Stumble’, I don’t like those two songs. And I hate ‘Shiny Happy People’, but that’s just because it was an Archies song.”

DO YOU KNOW WHO PETER BEARDSLEY IS?

“No. I know he’s not a photographer. He might be an author.”

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU STAYED IN BED ALL DAY?

“I’ve never done that. Never, I’m too hyperactive.”

WHAT'S THE PASSWORD?

“Ask Dan Rather. What is the password? Elvis has left the building?”

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A PORN MOVIE?

“Yes. When I was a kid I would sneak onto these Indian burial mounds that backed up to a Triple-X theatre and the first XXX film I saw was The Seduction Of Mimi. I was 15... no, younger than that... Yeah, no, yeah, I was 15. It was nuts, man. I like pornography.”

WHAT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING ANYONE'S SAID ABOUT YOU?

“Probably that I’m incredibly calculated and that the entire REM career and my rise to fame and celebrity and power and money was carefully outlined by me and was all part of a grand masterplan.”

WOULD YOU LEND AN NME JOURNALIST $1,000 IF HE ASKED YOU?

“Would that be you? If you really needed it then yes. Will I get it back?”

Yes.

“In how much time?”

Six months maybe

“OK.”

WHAT QUESTION WOULD YOU ASK THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND?

“How many packs a day? Menthol or regular?”

HOW DO YOU INDULGE YOURSELF?

“By relaxing.”

IS A GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?

“That’s a ‘Are you a positive person or a negative person’ kind of question, right? I’ve never quite got that ’cos it could be half empty ’cos you’ve just drank half of it, in which case you’re sated. Half full.”

DO YOU EVER WORRY ABOUT THE SIZE OF YOUR DICK?

“No, that’s never been a concern.”

HAS YOUR PHONE BEEN TAPPED?

“Yes. Can I talk about that? What do you want to know?”

Who tapped it?

”1 have no idea.”

How did you find out?

“You can hear it. It’s happened off and on for years. I’ve only had a phone since 1988, it’s probably the Government. I’m not a conspiracy theorist.”

Why would they want to tap you?

“I don’t know. Because I push the boundaries of whatever I do.”

Doesn’t it freak you out?

“Not really. If they wanted to get dirt on me they could do it.”

WHEN AND WHERE DID YOU LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY AND WHO TO?

“Urn, I think I was seven but I blacked out, I don’t remember. It was with someone who was just slightly older than me. I believe that’s a true story.”

IS YOUR DIET IMPORTANT TO YOU?

“Yes. I have to eat every three hours, I have low blood sugar. Clinically, it would probably be known as hypoglycaemia. I was hyperactive as a child; my metabolism burns up everything. I never slow down.”

DO YOU EVER WISH YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE?

“Currently, no. When I was a kid I wanted to be my best friend ’cos he had cool shoes... and he had me for a friend.”

HOW ARE YOUR TEETH?

“I just spent two hours in the dentist chair today and they're doing quite well. I had all the silver removed, I’ve had temporary white fillings put in but I’m having gold put in after the tour - it's the only metal that doesn't f- with your body. It’s not as expensive as it sounds.” 

How expensive is it?

“That’s classified.”

WHICH COULD YOU HAPPILY LIVE WITHOUT - SEX, MONEY, MUSIC?

“Money.”

WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?

“Huck-huck-huck. That’s great. I don’t know. What is my problem, Johnny?” 

Nobody understands you.

“That’s right.”

HAVE YOU EVER USED A CHAT-UP LINE?

“Oh yeah. F— yeah.”

What is it then?

“Silence.”

WHY DO PEOPLE FANCY YOU?

“Because they can't figure me out. It's also what frustrates them and ultimately turns them away,”

WHAT PRODUCTS DO YOU KEEP IN YOUR BATHROOM?

”1 have a lot of hair products and I'm not quite sure what to do with them, I’m not brand loyal in the bathroom, I have a very sensitive nose, so the way something smells is more important than what brand it is,”

DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE?

“Yes and I've taken it. Up the Pacific Coast Highway.”

WHAT ARE YOU LIKE WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK?

“I dance on tables when I'm drunk. And I usually drop my pants to do it. But I don’t have to be drunk to do that, I just have to be in a good mood."

WHAT DO YOU SPEND YOUR MONEY ON?

“Plane flights, gasoline, telephone calls, but that’s deductible so it doesn’t count I spend a lot of money on film and photographic equipment. I don't have a good stereo or anything. I buy cassettes a lot, but if I like them I have to give them away - and then I have to buy them again.”

MICHAEL STIPE, AGED 65 - WHAT'S HE GONNA BE LIKE?

“Curmudgeonly.”

WHAT’S SEXY?

“What’s not sexy? Eye-liner's dead sexy.”

DO YOU EVER LIE WHEN PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE ASK ‘WHAT DO YOU DO'?

“Yes, of course. I tell them I’m an air traffic controller.”

DO YOU OWN A GUN?

“I used to. I never used it on people.”

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SLANG WORD?

“Foxy.”

WHO OR WHAT IS BOUTROS BOUTROS GALI?

“It sounds like clarified butter.”

WHAT DO YOU REGRET?

“I don’t regret anything.”

HAVE YOU EVER SLEPT WITH A GROUPIE?

“Not to my knowledge. But that reminds me of a regret. My biggest regret is when I’m confused with the work REM does, my celebrity overshadows or eclipses what we’ve done as a band. And particularly when it overshadows those guys because I’m nothing without them. I’m a good photographer without them. I’m not a good singer.”

Do you really think that?

“Well, no, I know that I’ve got a great voice. See I never realised I had a distinct sound ’til two or three years ago. I didn’t see how my voice was different to any other voice and it is and people immediately know it’s me singing. I never really latched on to that.”

Do you find it hard to listen back to your music?

“Know what? When I left the office today, I picked up ‘Green’, ‘Document’ and - not ‘Out Of Time’ cos I can’t listen to that right now - ‘Automatic’ to listen to them. And I likened to, er, what album is ‘Exhuming McCarthy’ on? Is that on ‘Document’? And I realised I hadn't heard it in five years,”

WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD DID YOU HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND?

“No.”

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT?

“Why I didn't have an imaginary friend when I was a kid.”

THE ENVELOPE trick is over. Stipe is now presented with six more envelopes, each containing a subject he has to talk about for one minute without pausing. It doesn't work - he doesn't want to talk about MY HOME - “That's sacrosanct” - or school life, but the one that reads MY PARENTS he can roll with.

“I spoke about my childhood and my family early in our career and things were inflated in a big way to create this schism between my father and I, and I really hated it. So I just quit talking about my childhood.

“But I love my parents a great deal I'm really, really lucky. None of my friends can believe how amazing my parents are, they hang out with me and my sisters, they know all of our friends and we know all of their friends and they travel to see me. We just have this unconditional love in our family that's incredible, and for me it's the strength by which everything is based on. That's totally no bullshit'"

What do they do?

“They're really cool. My father used to be in the military (he was a helicopter pilot in Vietnam; Orange Crush' is reputedly about him) and my mother worked day jobs."

What was it like living as an American kid in Germany?

"My parents went to great lengths to make sure that we were not enveloped by the kind of American army base life and they took us out to different cities in Germany. We went to Holland once because I like tulips.”

Did it have a big effect on you - opening your mind to a different culture?

”1 think scarlet fever had more of an effect. I read once that people who have fevers at an early age... it’s like frying your brain, burns out some synapses. But yeah, it did have an effect on me. I was seven and eight years old when I was there and I think that's a real memorable time in most peoples lives."

What are you like when you travel now - is that like a vacuum?

“You know, I used to freak out if I didn't take razors if we went to Tokyo or Czechoslovakia. I mean, of course they have razors in Czechoslovakia - it's so much more fun to go out and buy razors cos then you get to see what a Czech drugstore looks like and you’re forced to communicate with someone or else you grow a beard. So now I purposefully don't take razors.”

CULTURAL CONFESSIONS 

It’s the parlour game that's sweeping, erm, Radio 1. There are certain films everyone expects their friends to have seen, books to have read, TV programmes to have loved. It is taken for granted that everyone has been to a cinema, eaten a Big Mac, played Monopoly - but then again, maybe they haven't. Maybe they’re too ashamed to admit that they've never seen a Woody Allen film.

In order to wheedle out a few confessions from Michael Stipe he's primed with a few common admissions. 

I've never been to a baseball game. 

"I've been to a baseball game. I’ve never seen the Godfather Trilogy and I've never owned a Beatles record."

I’ve never eaten Chicken McNuggets.

“I've eaten Chicken McNuggets. I’ve done everything.”

I’ve never heard a Janis Joplin record.

“I've never heard a Captain Beefheart record from beginning to end.”

I’ve never read any Shakespeare. 

“I’ve never read any Herman Hesse.”

I don’t know where Haiti is.

“You don’t know where Haiti is?! I do, um, but I don't know where the Falklands are.”

I’ve never been to a rave.

“I have, huh-huh, I’ve never been in the bottom of a grave.”

I’ve never been skinny dipping. 

“Really? I've never been hang-gliding,”

WHAT’S BEST?

It’s the parlour game that swept NME's Thrills about 18 months ago and came to a sticky end when we tried to contrast the merits of The Senseless Things and a pile of pig shit. Michael has to grapple with a few closer comparisons.

Hey. and seeing as most people who go out together get along because they like similar things, see if you'd be compatible with the coolest man in rock. Ah, go on. it’s Christmas....

The OJ Simpson court case or The Simpsons?

“What kind of question is that? What's best? The Simpsons of course.”

Twister or Risk?

'Twister, because it's much more physical, you get to tangle yourself up with other people. It's very cod.” 

Cigarettes or alcohol?

“Ooooooh. I don’t think die two can be separated. What's best? Alcohol, ‘cos it kills you slower and I like drinking.”

Body piercing or tattoos?

Tattoos. For purely selfish reasons. I don't have any body parts that are particularly pierceable, huh-huh, so I don’t have any proclivity towards piercing, but I think it's kind of groovy-looking, depends who it's on and how they carry it. How they carry it is everything.

“I would like to get one of those you put through the middle of your nose, the ones you flip up inside. But I always thought, 'I'm really, really clumsy and everything and if I walk into a door or get in a fist fight or get in a car wreck, I'm gonna have a staple through my brain.' y'know? And I’d rather not deal with that for the sake of ornament.”

For the record, Michael Stipe is a fan of temporary tattoos - during the summer he sported a cartoon Krazy Kat under his bicep and one of Migraine Boy. the kid who features in the packaging for 'Monster', with an identical twin pointing at his steaming head and laughing.

The Addams Family or The Munsters? 

“The Munsters. Although Raoul Julia was an amazing actor, 1 really admire that guy a lot. I had a Munsters lunchbox when I was a kid, so there you go.” 

Beards or sideburns?

“Sideburns. (Long pause) I have both."

Truckers or cops?

"Truckers."

Forgiving or forgetting?

“Forgiving."

Nike or Adidas?

“Adidas. You like Adidas?"

It's OK.

"Adidas is cool."

Ren & Stimpy or Beavis & Butt-head? 

“Ren & Stimpy. Although I love Beavis & Butt-head. I have to say.”

Fantasising about doing outrageous sexual things or actually doing them?

“Actually doing them."

Baseball or ice hockey?

“Hockey."

Sly or Amie?

“Ah, um, cradle the balls, cradle the balls. That is an unanswerable question. I'm sorry. 1 can't grapple with that. 

LaToya or Michael Jackson?

“Depends on what side you're looking on. I would have to defer to the Arnold and Sylvester question! I have no opinion about either of them that I would like to share with the public.”

MICHAEL IS getting antsy again, his blood sugar level's fading, it’s time to leave. Besides, he’s itching to get back to Athens. Tonight’s the night of their Christmas parade and Santa Stipe wouldn't want to miss that.

He mooches away, quite forgetting about the $1,000 for the NME Piss-Up Fund and the bar tab. but it doesn't matter, Michael Stipe is the kind of person you want to spoil, the kind of person you want to take to Holland just 'cos he likes tulips.

“Merry Christmas,” he says as he leaves with a hearty handshake.

Have you got a Christmas message for your fans in Britain?

“Yeah, don't worry — summer's just around the corner.”