"Lip" A Gossip Column (no idea from which magazine this was taken!)

A GOSSIP COLUMN

• Wahoo, my little cream buns! Yes, I made it back from sunny Macclesfield all in one delightful piece, ready and raring to get stuck into this week's little catalogue of likely misdemeanours. And goodness me, there were enough being committed in wonderful Manchester last weekend to last me a century.

Pity I can't tell you what Morrissey was doing on the staircase of the Britannia with a cup full of hot chocolate, or why Johnny Marr was wearing sunglasses at one o'clock in the morning, or why Ian MacCulloch has suddenly become the victim of a phantom pregnancy or precisely who it was who managed to set the fire alarms off in the aforementioned Manchester hotel, thus evacuating the entire hotel register onto the stairs to rub shoulders with the local fire brigade and coachloads of bewildered American tourists.

And what was Tony Wilson doing, walking around the G-MEX Centre all day with a camera crew stuffed right up his nostrils? And did they follow him into the loo as well, we ask ourselves? I also won't ask about Factory PR Dave Harper's terrible contretemps with a swinging door and a swinging twosome called Tot he's about to manage. Really, chaps, last weekend Manchester was the only place to be, even if the bar did run out of Pernod.

One place which was most decidedly not the place to be last Wednesday was the Wag Club. The early evening was meant to see a rather fab Yello do to celebrate the release of their single, show a few previously unseen videos and to witness a cameo appearance of the Yello men. However, right from the word go, things were not all they should have been on the organisational front. First of all, we were forced to queue outside for ages, both paying and non-paying guests. Then we were herded upstairs like social pariahs, and when we actually got up there far too many people were let in, the beer was horribly expensive, the video screen broke down and Yello never did do their bit.

A jolly great big slap on the wrists to the organiser.

Now, just before I take a break to keep an urgent appointment with a smoked salmon sandwich, I hear that a fascinating event is due to take place at London's Hammersmith Palais on August 10 and 11. Tattoo Expo '86 is all set to run from 11am to midnight and Lai Hardy, the organiser, tells me that all sorts of tattooed celebs will be there. Bands will play, fire eaters will consume flames, jugglers will juggle and all manner of exciting happenings will take place. You can even go and have a tattoo of your own done by one of the many international tattooists present. Tickets £15 for two days or £5 per half-day session. For more info and advance tickets, ring 01-444 8779.

Next! Right then, which rotten tealeaf has been stupid enough to lift the precious left-handed Fender Strat belonging to Pete Hallidai from Light A Big Fire? Really, whoever did was monstrously silly, because it is so rare that it has its own homing device. Serial number of said instrument is 711853. It has a pine finish and a black scratch plate and was nicked from the Dance Line in Dublin. As is usual with these things, no questions asked on its return — and a reward is on offer. Phone Siren Records' press - on 01-221 7535 if you have any clues.

Nice to see Ian MacNabb of the Icicle Works making it back from his trip into oblivion in time to do a stormer of a gig at the Town And Country Club. Various members of the Fall were spotted in the audience, as were Gene Loves Jezebel who, for some unfathomable reason, saw fit to leave before the main band even came on!

I hear that Bob Geldof (Sir) had a spiffing private party last week, too, to celebrate his honorary knighthood. Held at London's Hard Rock Cafe, a splendid time was had by everyone who was involved in Band Aid and Live Aid as well as the usual Bob-Nobbers, Sting and Trudi, Elvis Costello and Cait, Si 'n Yasmin, Mick and Jerry, Adam Faith, los Spandos, Jasper Conran and lots and lots of others.

Revellers were invited by the lovingly casual Bob to caress his shining new gong and I hear that it was all rather lovelee, lovelee.

More parties (none of which I got invited to, as I'm considered far too much of a risk these days since I split my dress open at the Limelight thrash the other week). A glossy magazine called 'The Face' (which you may have picked up in your noosagents once or twice) held their bash at — yes, guess where; now, isn't this a surprise? — the Limelight. Paul Rutherford was there looking infinitely trimmer, George Michael hung out minding his own but ended up having a bit of a disagreement with one Zodiac Mindwarp. Patsy Kensit snogged in public with beau Nick. Pete Wylie (oh my gawd, not 'im again!) posed about, no doubt in exactly the same outfit he's had welded on for the last fortnight. And, oh yeah, Animal Nightlife could be found creeping around, too.

Also seen braving it among we plebs last week were Charlie Watts and Mick Jagger who get this week's Beyond The Call Of Duty Award for moseying down to the Fulham Greyhound to check out State Of Play. Apparently, Dave Stewart has just produced this lot and urged the pair to go and have a gander.

Oh, and while I think of it. Happy Third Wedding Anniversary to this week's guest singles reviewers, Mark E and Brix Smith. As they were playing G-MEX on that day, the kind old Britannia Hotel arranged a cake for them in their hotel room and I hear that an exclusive little party took place apres gig and avant fire alarm.

Well, here's some more George Michael news for you. As previously reported in this col, George and Aretha Franklin recently recorded together and the song in question was 'Jumping Jack Flash'. Unfortunately Keith Richard did not materialise for the production credits so Steve Lillywhite took over the control board instead. Mmm, can't wait...

And while I'm on the subject of los Stonios, could it be that both Bill Wyman and Charlie Watts have finally handed in their notice and quit the band, once and for all? A source close to my earholes tells me that this is all true.

So on that note, you gorgeous readers, you, I'll get off and bid you farewell for another fun-filled, Pernod-soaked week. Make mine a double, darling.

■ Now, the owner of this incredible hairdo, which closely resembles a festering pudding basin, is currently in my very good books for reasons best known to himself. But Tony Wilson is seen here pictured in his mid youth in 1976 when he was presenter of the outrageous and certainly devastatingly innovative 'So It Goes' programme for Granada TV.

A selection of vids from the series will be shown next week on Channel 4, and for the first time (for many of us) the first TV appearances of Blondie, Elvis Costello, the Clash and the Sex Pistols will be laid bare in a 90-minute programme.

A preview was held last week and some of the artists featured turned up to either cringe with embarrassment or die laughing at the fun-filled frolics encapsulated therein.

Pete Shelley tittered but later commented, "Did you notice we all had proper songs?" while Howard Devoto made a rare outdoor appearance and informed us that his new project Adultery is about to get well under way. Jordan swanned in at the last moment looking disgustingly sun-tanned and healthy and terrifyingly like a Golders Green beauty consultant, while Jimmy Pursey pulled faces in the corner.

Pauline Murray wondered at just how young everyone looked and told of her plans to put out a single in the not too distant future. Mr Wilson, of course, has a hairdo just as revolting as the one he had in 1976, but it must be said that highlights of the prog have to be the very rare Joy Division footage, Iggy Pop calling himself 'a dork' and what looked suspiciously like an awestruck Mick Hucknall jammed down the front of the stage during the Magazine clip. Essential viewing for old and new fogies alike.